Six Months of Uncertainty

For the last six months, I've been walking around with this fear in the back, and quite often the front, of my mind, and the only person who has had any idea of what I have been carrying around with me is my husband.  And he hasn't been around for about 97% of that time (just a rough guesstimate on that little percentage...).

Back in early March, when my husband was finishing up AIT and was out of contact for several days for an FTX, I had my annual exam with my gynecologist.  It is a doctor's appointment I really don't mind one bit and usually I'm in and out of her office in no time at all.  However, on that day just over six months ago, my doctor felt something during my breast exam that she asked me to have looked at further with an ultrasound.

After the most agonizing three-hour wait of my life sitting in the imaging office's waiting room (thankfully they were able to squeeze me in the same day so I didn't have to wait even longer for an appointment), I was finally brought back to see the ultrasound tech.  She looked at me for a good 10 minutes, which of course felt more like 30.  Then after taking some images with the ultrasound machine, she said she was just going to show them to the radiologist, who instead actually came into the room to perform the ultrasound all over again so he could get a better look at me.  After another 10-15 minutes, he finally said that he wasn't too worried about what's there, especially since I'm young and all (umm, I don't care if I'm young, because young people can get cancer too you know!).

I was told to monitor myself over the next several months (umm, months?! Really?!) for any changes and then go back for another ultrasound in 6 months to be reexamined.  I then had to live with this bottled up inside of me for the next several days until my husband finally returned from the field so I could share the news with him.

Monday morning I went in for my 6-month follow up appointment.  It wasn't until Sunday night when nerves started to hit, and then Monday morning I was a complete mess with worry about how my appointment would go.  I had absolutely no appetite could hardly sit still.  My husband called me in the morning as I was driving to the doctor's office.  He could tell right away that I was freaked out and tried his best to tell me that it would all be okay.

Thankfully my wait this time wasn't nearly as long as I had a fairly early-morning appointment, but it still wasn't any easier.  After another agonizing 15-minute ultrasound session, I was then left to lie on the bed in the exam room with ultrasound gel still on me (you know, in case they felt the need to come back for another look) while the two ultrasound tech's in with me consulted with each other for about 10 minutes while referencing my earlier scans and radiologist reports from 6-months ago.

After they spoke with the radiologist briefly after he had had an opportunity to look at my new scans and compare them with my old ones, I was FINALLY given the GOOD NEWS that they are not particularly concerned about what they see and the radiologist believes it is just dense tissue.  Nothing on my scans makes him think it could be a tumor.

I have been told to still monitor myself regularly for any change, but this time my follow up report said that no imaging follow up is recommended.  I was so relieved after hearing the news that I practically had to fight an urge that bubbled up inside of me to hug the ultrasound technician!

After leaving the office to drive into work for the day, I still wasn't feeling like myself and was on verge of tears for much of my drive.  Thankfully my husband called me again shortly after I left to check on me and see how things went.  He was happy to hear the outcome, but definitely still worried about me given the fact that I was still very emotional and reeling from everything I'd been going through.  He could hear that there was still some panic in my voice.

Before hanging up, he told me that he would call me back shortly after I was scheduled to arrive at work to make sure I made it in okay (it was a 30-min drive from the imaging office to my work)... little did I know at the time it was also to see if I received a delivery of flowers he had arranged for me a couple weeks ago, knowing how rough of a morning I was going to have.  I certainly did not expect this sweet gift from him!  I'm just so thankful that he was so determined to make it to the phone to call me multiple times that morning to check in with me all along the way.  I really do love that man so much!

I've gone back and forth debating if I wanted to share this on my blog or just continue to keep it between just me and the hubby.  Ultimately I decided that if other women are strong enough to share their stories and struggles concerning things like fertility issues and other health concerns, then I can most certainly talk about this thing I've been living with for the past 6 months, something which will likely always be on my mind and on my radar to watch out for in the future.